The world could be ending all around me
But all I would see is you walking away
i. There are blonde curls that linger on your forehead. Sunlight hits fair skin, and I see my reflection in green eyes.
ii. I don’t remember the day you came into my life. I cannot tell you how I wore my hair or how you shook my hand, but I can tell you that we were getting lost in hallways the day I started to look at you like more than a person.
iii. You sat on the edge of the bed, and I feasted my eyes on your smile. I didn’t even try to look away. I hadn’t yet realized what a privilege you were. I thought of words like, “genuine” and “sweet” but never once did I think, “beautiful” in the same way that it’s crawling up my throat tonight.
iv. I never would have guessed that I’d be writing poems about you on a Tuesday night.
v. Some mornings, my eyes crave you. I will wake up with your name on my lips or caught between my fingers, and I wonder if I had been dreaming of getting drunk off your smile or high off you bones.
Because I never got those it’s three am and I’m thinking about you first texts.
Because I never got that I know you’re obsessed with flowers and so I bought you some.
Because I never got that I planned a whole day for us and I won’t bother asking what you want to do because when you say I don’t know you’re hoping for me to have a plan. I know you love it when I think about stuff ahead of time.
Because I never got that baby I messed up, but I’m not going to buy you expensive things I’m going to actually make it up to you.
Because I never got that we are just friends and I won’t be all friendly/touchy with my female friend in front of you and make sure you are comfortable.
Because I never got that “baby I’m telling the truth” and the truth was being told.
Because I never got that I’m trying to explore your mind and not just what’s in between your legs.
Because I never got that I’ll never leave and he stayed.
She wasn’t ready to be loved but boy did her eyes say different
I should have ran far away
before it got to this. Forest
fires, tsunamis, bombs with
detonators counted down
past 10, and we’re right in
the middle. The worst thing
is that I knew I could fall
for you and I just let it
happen. The worst thing is
that everything’s about to
be an aftermath and all I want
is to steal another kiss and
pretend it’s mine to have.
I stay up every night
wondering what I
want out of life, and
when I finally make up
my goddamn mind,
I spy golden streaks
and stomping through
and the Sun’s army -
made up of the warmest
rays of light -
any clarity of the
and I spend another
feeling like I’m
a constant fog;
I don’t know whether
to pray for a savior
or a decent
You pull on me too hard,
and I end up spilling underneath
your bed like a bottle of pills that don’t fit
right anywhere else.
Today, for the first time,
I have decided to say no to all the poems.
I have decided to say no to all the mistakes.
I tried to stitch myself up
so I’d be pretty enough
to be loved by you,
and I never thought about what I wanted to become
Well, today I am saying no to your hands.
The way they hold my hips like they belong there.
Didn’t anyone teach you not to pry?
Today, I am turning you into a grocery list
and today, I am forgetting to go to the store.
You don’t like the way I look when I am honest,
so I am going to start telling the truth all the time.
On the way home from this tragedy,
I won’t remember to apologize,
so stop waiting for it.
I know what you thought when I told you
I loved like healing.
You thought it meant all soft lips and silk fingers,
but if you have ever been bruised
then you know all about the purple of strength.
There is nothing soft about it,
and I refuse to be an exception just to make
this easier to look at.
I think it’s supposed to hurt a little.
I think that makes it easier to let it go.
You are the chandelier
swinging in the next room.
The broken time machine
that prayers couldn’t fix.
All those songs I swear I buried
but still manage to sit heavy like a hornet’s nest in my ears.
If you thought all that screaming was about someone else,
then you were only mostly wrong.
My hands have been so busy since you decided
to be brave for somebody new,
and I still haven’t felt a single thing.
There was a point to this body
before all it did was wait for you to hold it,
and I must be more than what you were too tired to love,
but some days I still look for you in all the cracking ceilings.
I tried looking for myself once,
but it just didn’t feel right.
I’d wait around here for what might happen,
but I am so tired of turning myself
into a graveyard
just so you can feel sorry enough to bring me flowers.
Save your shaking hands, and save your amens.
This isn’t about mourning anymore,
it’s about moving on.
I am spelling my alone differently
until it stops meaning ‘without you’
and starts meaning ‘with myself.’
There are a thousand ways to write about you leaving
and even more to say that I don’t want to anymore.
If I can’t forget the bodies that left,
then I am going to remember the ones that stayed,
and mine will always be the one I thank first.
Smile, you deserve to know it’s okay to be happy.
If you asked me to marry you today
tomorrow I’d be out looking at dresses
because everything you say
leaves my heart restless
but it’s time I come to terms
that what we had has possibly burnt
and I won’t ever see
your smiling face
but what I said above
isn’t all true
God knows I’m still in love with you
And I still fantasize of the day
When you knock on my door and say
I love you too
I like to kiss you
during the darkest
hours of the night
when you are turning
over with distress -
due to your
so you know
still loves you
when you are off
and driving cars
with no brakes,
while all of your
teeth fall out,
We’re not a couple but we’re
coupled aren’t we? Like vodka
and orange; like spring and hope.
You make generalizations and
mean not to include me as if
there is everyone and then there’s
us; like I’m the voice in your head
and not a real living person on
the phone. I don’t even think you
notice - I got offended the first
time you said you weren’t close
to anyone until I realized I’m not
just anyone to you. The reason
I’m bringing this up is that I think
you’ve forgotten about my
realness and the freedom I have
to walk away and the fact that I
don’t. You think you’re too boring
or too sad or not enough of
something for someone worthwhile
to want to be with you. Well poor,
poor me for being forced to talk
to you every night. You are a giant
fool if you think I hang around for
any other reason than because I
like who you are. Baby, you’ve got
things I can’t find anywhere else
and it’s not like I haven’t looked.
You are equal parts ridiculous and
precious (but I shouldn’t start
listing the things that you are or
we’ll be here all night). The reason
you’re single is because right now
it’s time for you to be single. That’s
it. If you weren’t worth being with I
wouldn’t be with you either.